Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Lost but not forgotten....Trying to reboot...

Well hello my blogger friends!

I know I have been gone for a while. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I've blogged. Horrible of me....
What have I been up to?!?! It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Thankfully I was not personally affected by the flooding here in Colorado aside from some traffic jams. But the house survived. We did get some heavy, heavy rain and we got caught in the hail while out on our motorcycles on the 14th. That made for an interesting ride for sure. They did get hit pretty bad up in Boulder/Longmont areas. Our thoughts have been with them.
The mall got flooded though...
I was able to start working out again last week. I have been doing my weigh ins and I am totally discouraged. So here they are:
9/9/13 Weigh in: up .2 from previous week
Then the next week...
9/16/13 weigh in: up .8 lbs from previous week..
and now for this week...This is SO bad...
up 2.2 lbs from last week. UGH...Yes headed in the wrong direction...
So I have gained 3 lbs in the last 2.5 weeks.
I am totally discouraged. I am 3 weeks away from my 1 year bandiversary and I haven't even lost 75 lbs yet....
These last few weeks have been so stressful. I have been totally eating my emotions away. We had employee issues that has turned into a complete mess....Hopefully we can get that fixed with minimal damage. But that is just work stress....That isn't what has really been bothering me.
I try not to vent much on my blog, mainly because I want it to be a positive thing for everyone to read. I have vented a few times, but I find that blogging about it really kind of helps me send it out to the cosmic void.
I'm hurting, that's as plain as I can say it. Why? My mother told me that I am a disappointment to her AGAIN! This should not be anything new. She has done this to me so many times it should be like riding a bike to get past this. Why am I a disappointment? Because I haven't seen my nephew much since he moved from my house to his fathers. This is a bit out of my control. I was recovering for 6 weeks, prior to that I was so busy working there was no way I could have had him here, and once I was recovered he was back in school. So, its a time thing. But, naturally, the fact that the courts awarded sole custody to his father and not to me must be my fault entirely. I know. I'm disappointing.
I sent my mom the Happy Birthday song via text message to her on Sunday. It was her birthday so I thought it would be nice. That's more then I got from her on my birthday last Wednesday, but whose keeping tabs. Well she decided to tell me how angry and disappointed she is in me because of everything. I should know better then to try to please this woman. It comes back to bite me every time.
So what's next for me? I have to distance myself. This time, for good. I know I have to do this. I have been told by so many people including mental health professionals. This is so hard for me. My friend says child birth is hard this is just life.
It's sad because I've always wanted a mother. One that didn't look at me like she despised me because I was the spawn of satan. She hates, literally, she has said she hates my natural father. She thinks he is the biggest waste of space there is. I don't necessarily disagree, but it isn't my fault he is that way. But she has always looked at me differently and I am sure it is impart because I am his daughter.
She has always favored by sister. My drug addict sister. The one that abandoned her child to be cared for by me. I turned my family completely upside down, to the point where my oldest acted out negatively and both of them did everything they could do to not be home. I even completely lost it like 5 times over the last 2 years, to the point where I packed a bag and walked out just to get away from everything and everyone. I was never gone for long, but none the less, I wanted to run. For 2 years I got yelled at and cried at because my mother distraught. She never asked how my kids, my family, or our lives were affected. She called me her rock and told me I was the only one she could lean on. And honestly, I didn't want that role. Selfish of me? Maybe. But after all the crap she put me through, from physically beating me as a child to emotionally beating me as an adult, I am done. Or at least I need to be.
I wish I could figure out why this is so hard. I can usually write family out of my life easily. I have had to do it so much throughout the years. Usually it's them leaving, not me. Boy how horrible does that sound.
Anyway, enough of that! My eating has kind of sucked. I have been eating lots of sweets. Ice cream mostly. We have had a lot of birthdays to celebrate this last week. Including the hubby's.
My birthday was eh...ok....Just another day. One of my dear friends surprised me with a gift. I totally didn't expect anything. But she knows how crazy I am about Supernatural and she got me a bunch of stuff. Including two t-shirts. They are rather tight, but, with some more work I think they will fit perfectly in a few months. I have never been one for clingy clothes. But I so want to get into these t-shirts! :) Still look better then I did a 11 months ago.
Luckily the ice cream and cake is all gone now. SO....Time to reboot!
I have been working out over the last week and a half. Biking, running, ellipticalling, wii zumbaing and strengthening. I am not seeing any results but I am still doing it.  This was yesterdays workout.

Hopefully I will start seeing results soon. I am discouraged beyond belief right now but determined not to give up. I must get through these hard times too. And even if I have to do it alone, I have to do it.
I am going to start logging my food again regularly, and working really hard to get off the sweets. I want to start blogging regularly again and reading your blogs regularly too. I have to get past this bump. I know I can....But I feel a little lost. Hopefully I will find my way soon.
I had an unfill a few weeks ago, and I am going back in for a fill in 2 weeks along with my 1 year check up.
So here we go. Time to ride the wave, again... Have a great night and thanks for reading and listening to me ramble.
 Until we meet again :)


  1. I'm glad your back! I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. Family troubles are the worst. Mostly because you don't get to choose your family. I went 2 years without speaking to my father and it was really the hardest time of my life.

    Sending you hugs <3

  2. I'm glad you weren't impacted by the flooding. And i'm sorry about your struggles with your mom. I had a friend in HS who told me once that her parents loved her--because they had to--but they didn't actually LIKE her. I know that having this type of relationship with your mom must be heartbreaking--my heart breaks for you--but life is too short to allow toxic people in your life. I would step away, also, and when/if your mother decides she wants to have a realtionship with you--she will have to do it by YOUR terms. With respect. And if she can't do that--then she isn't worthy of having YOU in HER life.

  3. Hi Chris - you need a virtual hug. I can totally relate to your relationship with your mother. I had it with both my parents, especially my father. As far as taking in your nephew and the thanks you've good deed goes unpunished.

    My wife is the only daughter, and her mother is in an assisted living facility and now on hospice. Her relationship with her own mother tears her apart. Her mother always made my wife feel like my wife's life never had value, or amounted to anything. She always made my wife feel "less than." My wife makes regular trips across town to visit her mother. I ask myself why. This close to death and you'd think the woman would try to be nice. Well you'd be wrong. Some days we need a break from crazy town.

  4. awww massive hug from me. I can't relate on the mom troubles but I do relate cause my dad and his wife have made my life well lets use milder words than I want and say difficult at times.
    Wish you all the best, and we can reboot (I need to do that also).

  5. So sorry for your relationship with your mother. Some people never gain the maturity or insight to be parents, yet there they are, doing it anyway. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

    Three pounds is not the end of the world. You can reverse the trend now, before it gets any worse!

  6. Hey lady...sounds like life is really high gear for you right now...between birthdays, flooding and an unsupportive mother...well, IMO that kind of stress will totally affect weight loss...don't be so hard on yourself..your reboot is an awesome start to getting back on track. Sometimes you just have to shut the door on the negativity...its hard, but I hope you can focus on YOU for a little bit...and know how much we cyber friends are pushing for you!!!

  7. Hi Chris! Well my mom and I have similar issues. But I found gal pals who are a little older than I am who mother me perfectly! They LOVE who I am--just as I am. And you should find friends like that too. Your mother is who she is, and nothing is going to change that. Like you, I set boundaries and rules, and she can either follow them or don't involve me. It's her choice. So she follows them. But no matter what your mother says, it's up to *you* to decide who you want to be. You don't live in her house as a child anymore. You can be who you want now. I personally like who you are. :D

  8. Thanks everyone for all of your suggestions and comments. I am working towards setting those boundaries and enforcing them. It's going to take some practice. Unfortunately, its more pressing then I was planning on. Forward now!