Saturday, June 14, 2014

Gone but not forgotten......

It has been basically 4 months since I last posted. Although I have thought about my blog everyday since Feb 22nd. I have a story to tell and I have been trying to figure out how to tell it.

As far as my weight loss progress goes....I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have gained about 7 more lbs. Now weighing 226.8. I was down to 208 last July. I am completely going backwards. It is incredibly depressing. But.....I've kind of put that on the back burner.

Bottom line.....My sister is a drug addict. It has destroyed her, her life, her son, our mother, our father, and me. I have been struggling personally for many years. Not just with my weight, but with a family that has been destroyed because of bad choices, lack of love, and abandonment. The amount of people affected by this situation is crazy.

Everyone has a sob story. I have told myself that for years. I have told everyone that for years. I am no different. The difference is how I see my sob story and where it has taken me. If I had not lived my sob story, I believe I would not be the person I am today.

My sob story has made me stronger, more humble, more patient, and helped me feel at peace. It has also made me colder, harder, less sympathetic, and in some cases, weaker.

I'm going to share my story, on the internet for the world to see. And if no one reads it, ya know, that would be ok. What was that line in "you've got mail"? One of my favorite movies, Oh yes, here it is:
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

Where should I begin, lets start where I left off 3 months ago before we go back to the beginning. Telling a story is never quick, so lets start at the end and then we will start at the beginning another day.

Just over 4 months ago, I received a call from my sister telling me she was being followed by people that were trying to kill her. I have struggled with whether or not I believe her for so long. Drugs were the first thing that came to mind. The things she was telling me sounded so surreal. I mean seriously, this is the stuff you hear about in movies. She was on the run, running from these people, running for her life.

I called the police, so did my mother and so did my sister. The police told us she was just being paranoid and that her and her boyfriend were doing drugs. This sounded so believable! But I played along with my sister and listened to her as she tried to flee. She has cried wolf so many times that no one takes her seriously. We have been angry with her for so long that I think I am numb.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me at work and asked me where my children were. She had me panicked. "Are they at school?" "Are you sure they made it there?" "I think the girls are in danger". I went flying out of work calling the school and to make sure the girls were there. This was a terrifying thought.

My sister still doesn't realize how devastating this was. A few days after this incident, she called and asked me for money. I refused to give her money. I still refuse to give her money. And that was the last I heard from her for 5 weeks.

I searched for her everyday, alone, and didn't tell anyone I was looking. I spoke to no one about my feelings or my thoughts. After all, everyone thought I was nuts for actually caring what happened to her. So I waited, kept my thoughts to myself, but I waited. I waited for the phone to ring telling me they had found my sisters body, or telling me she was arrested. Anything, SOMETHING! I've been told I was grieving. But how do you grieve for someone who is still alive?

My heart broke everyday. I think to myself often that it would be better if I did get the call saying she was gone. At least that way the pain would stop and I could move on. Selfish of me? Maybe. But my mom, her son, at least there would be closure. Instead we wait. We grieve everyday wondering what is happening. I heard it from everyone. No one ever asked how I was handling things, just if I had heard from her.

So I turned it off. All emotion, feelings, relationships. I turned it all of, for months. About 2 months later I finally got a call. Not from the police or the morgue, but from my sister. My baby sister. She was in tears. Stranded in Texas. Her boyfriend had been arrested and was being extradited back to northern Colorado. She had no money, and knew no one. She had been sleeping in her car and trying to figure out how to get back to Colorado.

Now, you have to understand something. Maybe I am the type of person that feels the need to take care of everyone. Or maybe, I started taking care of people at such a young age that I don't know how to stop. Fact of the matter is, I was the one that took care of my siblings when we were younger. I was the one they turned to when they needed help, felt lost, or just wanted to feel loved.

I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. Some of us have different fathers, some different mothers, and some not blood related at all. But this particular sister, I grew up with. We lived in the same house for 14 years. She was born when I was 7, and I protected her from an abusive mother. So I found myself unable to leave her stranded.

She asked for money so she could get back which I refused to give her. So instead I loaded a gift card she had with just enough money for gas and food to get to my house. It was a risk, but she's my baby sister and it's a risk I had to take. She kept telling me she had been clean for 2 years, and that everything that was happening was the result of an abusive husband. All the while others were telling me it's typical drug addict behavior and she was lying and manipulating as she has done for the last 5 years.

Despite the warnings, I have taken my sister in. I have chosen to love her, and to believe in her. I remember when I was devastatingly depressed at 15 and had no one to turn to. I wished there was someone there that would just take me away. No more abuse & no more pain. Luckily, whether by chance or fate, a young man I now call brother saved my life.

My sister however is not 15, she's 35. And disliked by virtually everyone in our family.  But yes, I have taken her in. She has been living with me for the last 2 months. She has had to come to work with me, to the gym with me, everywhere I go she goes. I don't fully trust her yet, but we are working on that. As far as I can tell she has been clean. We have been working on rebuilding. She has been working on rebuilding. I lecture darn near everyday. I am sure she is sick of hearing it from me. But as I have told her, there are consequences for the choices she has made. I've told her I will not make this easy for her. And I've told her she is going to have to work hard to earn back the trust she has lost. e talk a lot, we spend time together, truth is.....I have really missed her. She was my best friend once, and losing her was devastating. I felt so empty, so lost, when she was gone. And I am glad she is back. Hopefully this time she will make the right choices and fight to get her life in order. I will guide her for now. Sometimes I treat her like she is a child of mine rather than my sister. But last night, she smiled and my heart felt whole again for the first time in a really long time.

We have been working out together, motivating each other to get back on track. With more than just weight loss. While most of it is water weight, I have lost 6 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I had gotten up to 232.8. I am slowly working my way back down and my sister is working her way back to me.

So as I send this blog post out to the great cosmic void, I want to say thank you if you stopped by and read all the way to the end. Thank you for all of the support you have given me. Thank you for your understanding.

I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I really want to get back on track, I want to feel successful again. So back to the basics for me. I know how to do this. I've done it before.

I have a few more things to share. Band related issues I have had, things I have figured out with Eliza along the way. If you are wondering who Eliza is see this post (Please meet Eliza!) But I am saving those for another day. Time to start blogging again!

Have a great Saturday! Thanks again for stopping by!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Crazy Month!

Howdie! How is everyone? Not much time tonight but thought I would check in. I have been super busy trying to handle some personal stuff this month. It's been crazy.

As far as weight loss. I am up 4 lbs. Sitting at 223. But I have been working out. I have been working out with a personal trainer once a week, and going to the gym 3-5 times a week. Now to get the eating under control.

I am really hoping things calm down by the end of next week. I will try to update on the months goings on soon!

Til then! Carry on! Keep pluggin! Chin up! And look forward, never back!


Sunday, January 19, 2014


What a game!
Been a busy few days. I have been working out. Today was my first rest day since I started working out again this past Thursday. YAY Me! It feels good being active again. Friday I went to the gym and burned somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 calories and yesterday a friend and I went to the gym and I burned somewhere around 850 calories. I have to start bringing my phone with me so I can take pictures. I usually have my ipod and it doesn't take pictures :-{ I do have this one from Saturday. We did elliptical for 32 minutes, C25K Day 2 (30 min), and did the 30  minute workout at Bally's. 
SO my Fitbit accidentally got washed a few weeks ago. I was so sad. So I emailed Fitbit support. I do have to say they have great customer service. They replaced it for me at no charge! Even better. And they sent me a pretty burgundy color one :) Which I actually like better then the black one that got washed. I had over 14,000 steps Saturday!
When my brother was here he made tortellini soup! It is so spicy! But so good.
I made Cappelletti's. He'd hadn't had them in a decades. It as fun cooking with him.

One thing I absolutely love that I have been trying to perfect is Sticky rice with fruit of some kind. I think I may finally have it. This makes a nice snack or dessert occasionally. And it is only 195 calories with 4 grams of protein. This one has mango.
OK Time for bed. I am already tired!
I hope everyone is had a great weekend!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Crazy week...

My brother was in town this past week. He came up from Texas to help me get the other house in order. We have been renting our old home out but had to evict our tenants. They left all kinds of stuff and lots of trash.

I don't think I could ever leave a place in the condition these people did. At any rate, my brother came up to help get it in order. He is the handy man type. Thank goodness he did, in a week we got it almost completely finished.

While he was here I didn't get to the gym, or any other kind of workout at all aside from the work at the house. My weight is pretty much the same. Right around 219 -220. That's ok. We had a good visit! It was worth the break. The girls and him played lots of practical jokes on each other. Such fun! Meet Lilith and Ruby!
These two had quite the journey this past week. They visited several parts of the house hoping to scare the poop out of someone. They were found hanging and sitting and starring. FREAKY!
They threw flour and water at each other too.

The only weigh in I have is from 1/7/14. Here it is :) 219 lbs. a loss of .4. LOL A loss is a loss. I'm not concerned.
Lastly, I have been logging my food with Myfitness pal. Look me up! auroradream
Today, I went to the gym mid afternoon. Was great! Worked out about 2 hours burned 810 calories! YAY ME!!
OK I am fading super fast. Time for bed! WOW It's 10:48 and I am going to bed! That's a miracle! ANYWHO!!
Have a great night and sleep well! More tomorrow :)
Thanks for stopping by!


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Commiting to starting again!

I am on a roll, this I my 4th blog entry in 5 days!! YAY!! I have so missed blogging and the accountability that comes with it.

So yesterday I was supposed to meet with a personal trainer at Bally's. The trainer called me Friday night to confirm. Well it snowed here in Colorado. It was very wintery! I left the house early so I could make it there on time. I was a little stressed because there was a semi truck that created a back up on the street I needed to take. So I had to reroute to get around it which made me a couple of minutes late for my session.

So when I get to Bally's and tell them I have an appointment with a trainer they tell me "Oh yeah, we have to cancel that. He didn't come in because of the weather." Well that would have been nice to know before I left the house. So I had to reschedule. But I had to reschedule out to the 22nd. Hmmmmmm....Had I known I might have chosen to use the elliptical and treadmill at home instead of driving to the gym.

Oh well, I decided to stay at the gym and workout anyway. This was actually a better choice. I ended up doing more at the gym then I would have done had I just used to home equipment. According to my HRM, I ended up burning about 976 calories yesterday! I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the treadmill (I started the C25K program for the second time), swam freestyle 500 yards in the pool, and did the 30 minute strength training circuit. I felt great!!! Good workout!

Today I was going to make it a rest day. I am really sore from yesterday. But my daughter wanted to go to the gym so I went with her. I did a light workout. I did a 32 minute weight loss workout on the elliptical and swam 500 yards in the pool. According to the HRM I burned about 434 calories. Good deal!!

Food has been ok. I am working on getting even better. We had company yesterday, and now the ice cream is finally gone.

We did have deserts yesterday as we entertained. The last Christmas celebration. We are done now! Thank goodness!!

I am lacking in pictures today. But I have few.

As I said earlier, we are having weather. Snow to be exact. And it is definitely cold!!
I think it is supposed to warm up a little as the week progresses.
For dinner today we had stuffed Ham Artichokes. I LOVE artichokes. And they are pretty low cal and healthy.
This is pretty simple really. Breadcrumbs, ham, onion, margarine and artichokes. Nothing major. But one of these bad boys has only about 321 calories and 10 gram of protein. Not too bad!
I think I will be sleeping pretty well tonight. It's not even 10 PM and I am falling asleep a bit as I type. LOL.
At least I am not he only one! The furbabies are sleepy too!
Tomorrow is another work day. I might make it a rest day. I know I am definitely going to be sore. It's not a bad sore though. However, tomorrow is also supposed to be a run day. So I may just go in and run and then do the 30 minute circuit. This morning I could barely lift my arms.
Oh yeah, so for the last 3 days I have gotten headaches a few hours after working out. Friday morning I woke up with the worst headache. Yesterday and today It was at a minimum of a gallon of water every day. Yesterday and today I am over that. Anyone have experience with that?
My brother is coming out this week to help us clean up our rental property. So this week will be busy. And we have basketball games to go to! :)
OK Anyway, I am going to call it a night and go take a shower and go to bed. I am looking forward to a good night sleep.
Thanks for stopping by!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Hello, Please meet Eliza!

Hello, Hello, Hello again! Welcome back!

So everyone has gotten to know me over the last year, yes I have been blogging for a year. Roughly 14 months. I began blogging on 11/2/2012. Now I say a year because I was MIA for 2 months. So 12 months, 14 months either way, its around a year.

Over the last year we've laughed, we've cried, we've celebrated, and we have experienced a few setbacks. But, we continue! And as far as I am concerned, that in itself is an accomplishment.

As I was saying, you've gotten to know me, and I've gotten to know you. My reasons for banding, my struggles, my victories. And getting to know all of you has been a fantabulous (my new word for a while) experience. I am so thankful for the friends I have met here in blog land.

Today I want to introduce you to a very close, dear, and special friend of mine. Her name is Eliza! Here she is!
We have known each other for  about 15 months. She came into my life when I was in a dark place. I really needed help and she was there. We are inseparable! We have been together every day since 10/15/2012! She keeps tabs on me too. She yells at me when I eat too much, and growls at me when I don't eat enough. She keeps me in check during times of stress, and loosens up a bit if I treat her right.
Even though we have been together everyday for over a year, she has been very difficult to get to know. As a matter of fact, Eliza and I have really made major breakthroughs over the last 2 months. Maybe that's why I was gone for so long. I was so focused on getting to know her. She deserves my respect and I need to keep her happy.
Some basics about Eliza, she is a translucent white kind of color, made out of silicone and her home is around the upper portion of my stomach. She has tail or port attached to my abdominal wall, and she can be felt on the surface of my belly. She even sometimes has a noticeable appearance in my belly. Her tail allows the saline solution to travel to her home around my stomach and she tights up to help me eat less. Oh yeah, and she holds 10cc's of saline solution.
One of the most intriguing things I find about Eliza is that she is a Libra. How appropriate for her to be of the scale sign?!!

She has been teaching me balance over the last 15 months. And I have tried to ignore her in the past, but she has made her presence known. And she hasn't been nice about it. Eliza and I have been on the endless quest to find the "green zone". And maybe it's my sensory issues, but it took us a long time to get there and realize we were there. We have visited this place together twice. The first time was back in July, but then something happened and she had to release some solution. Well in October we put that solution back and that's where we have been for the last 3 months.  Eliza currently has 7.3cc's of saline solution inside her silicone bubble.
What does the "green zone" feel like for me? This has been a major struggle for me. (Sensory issues, I'm telling ya) But paying such close attention to Eliza over the past 2 months has helped me figure this out. For me, the "green zone" is that place where I only feel hungry every 4-5 hours. And when I am hungry 3/4 - 1 cup of food will hold me for about 5 hours. A place where I don't have a lot of stuck episodes, however I have to cut my food to about 1/2 the size of a since dice and chew that to mush to avoid feeling stuck. A place where I can drink the right amount of water, but not chug the bottle. If I chug, I feel stuck. A place here drinking 16 oz of water makes me feel full for a brief amount of time.
Over the last 2 months, I have learned that Eliza:
7.3cc's is our "green zone".
Likes her food small, portions about 1/2 cm X 1/2 cm squares.
She is really tight in the morning, to the point where I can only really have a protein shake for breakfast and I am good for about 4 - 5 hours.
She loves warm fluids, they relax her.
Neither of us really like ice cold water. If I don't feed her at least 48 oz of water everyday she is even tighter and I get stuck on virtually everything.
When I exercise, she is ecstatic! She loves it when I sweat and when I give her a gallon of water a day. She s nice and relaxed the next day and lets me eat easily.
When I am stressed or angry, she shuts down and she prefers only liquids.
She does however, allow me to overindulge and then she will punish me later with a stuck episode (slime fest galore)  or a PB (productive burp). We wont go into either of those in detail (TMI)...but EWWW!
She prefers it when I don't eat after 8 PM.
She favors me going to bed before 11 PM (Which doesn't happen often)
If we do have a stuck episode, breathing through it really does help both of us,
So Eliza and I are still working on things. The eating and workouts is our current project.
We are making progress. Tomorrow morning (Saturday at 9 am) we have an appointment at the gym with a personal trainer. Really hoping to get  workout schedule and some new exercise ideas.

We also have some stressful times coming up in the next few weeks and we are going to figure out how to get through them together.
There you have it. That is Eliza! She's pretty cool huh!?!?!
Call me crazy, I named my band. I think we have officially bonded.
Today I did intend to workout, but kept getting distracted at work and I ran out of time today, So tomorrow I start again! I attempted to log today too. Tomorrow I intend on getting serious again and really getting control of my eating.
My weigh in days I think are going to be Tuesdays. Mainly because that is the last time I weighed at a normal time of day. We will see what next Tuesday brings. At this point I am not expecting good results, but I hope I am wrong.
Anyway, I will leave you with this.... Lets do this!!

Thanks for stopping by!
See you tomorrow :)

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy Janurary 2nd!

Thank you for your wonderful feedback on my last post. I have many things to work on. And I started today! No better time then the present!

I did decide to join a gym. After a week of thinking and comparing and looking into classes, including the local rec center, It turns out that Bally's was the cheapest. If I go to the rec center 4 times a month, that is the same as the gym membership. And with the membership I can go as much as I want and they have tons of classes for me to choose from.

I also get a free personal training session. So I scheduled that for this Saturday at 9 AM.

Here is my new plan, I am going to workout midday. Basically early afternoon. I can be gone from the shop a couple of hours everyday and still be there to open and close. This should be workable. I have a friend that also wants to start going to the gym with me but she can't go until after 4:30 PM. So I am thinking of going with her 1-2 days a week and one weekend day.

I am also going too look into Zumba, I like doing the Zumba on the Wii and have always wanted to take a class. I am just afraid I wont be able to keep up with a class. But I am going to give it a try.

The gym also has a lap pool. I absolutely love swimming, so this is a good thing.

Next I need to stop overeating. No amount of exercise is going to make a difference if I don't refocus my eating habits. I need to internalize as Marion has pointed out. I don't understand why this is so hard. Earlier in the year I was on a roll. I had the eating under control and was working out and doing great. Now, when I look at something, I feel like I am going to miss out if I don't eat some of it. Then I overload. Like tonight, BIG bowl of ice cream...Kind of canceled out the whole workout from today with that.


I did go to the gym and worked out for the first time in over a month. So I am putting a mark in the "good job" column for today. Tomorrow I work on the food issue again!

Time was tight today so I was only able to workout for 55 minutes.
25 minutes on the Elliptical

And 30 minutes on the treadmill... 
And I started the C25K program again!
Day 1week 1 in the books!
Tomorrow will be a busy day but no more excuses. I need to start logging my food again too. It's not going to help the mental part of it, but maybe it will help to see it.
OK Time for bed. Tired I am!
Thanks for stopping by!

PS: Tomorrow I have to tell you about the bonding my band and I have done over the last 2 months. I have learned so much. I spent the last couple of months slacking off exercise and eating, but I learned so much about me and my band. More to come tomorrow!!