Saturday, June 14, 2014

Gone but not forgotten......

It has been basically 4 months since I last posted. Although I have thought about my blog everyday since Feb 22nd. I have a story to tell and I have been trying to figure out how to tell it.

As far as my weight loss progress goes....I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have gained about 7 more lbs. Now weighing 226.8. I was down to 208 last July. I am completely going backwards. It is incredibly depressing. But.....I've kind of put that on the back burner.

Bottom line.....My sister is a drug addict. It has destroyed her, her life, her son, our mother, our father, and me. I have been struggling personally for many years. Not just with my weight, but with a family that has been destroyed because of bad choices, lack of love, and abandonment. The amount of people affected by this situation is crazy.

Everyone has a sob story. I have told myself that for years. I have told everyone that for years. I am no different. The difference is how I see my sob story and where it has taken me. If I had not lived my sob story, I believe I would not be the person I am today.

My sob story has made me stronger, more humble, more patient, and helped me feel at peace. It has also made me colder, harder, less sympathetic, and in some cases, weaker.

I'm going to share my story, on the internet for the world to see. And if no one reads it, ya know, that would be ok. What was that line in "you've got mail"? One of my favorite movies, Oh yes, here it is:
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

Where should I begin, lets start where I left off 3 months ago before we go back to the beginning. Telling a story is never quick, so lets start at the end and then we will start at the beginning another day.

Just over 4 months ago, I received a call from my sister telling me she was being followed by people that were trying to kill her. I have struggled with whether or not I believe her for so long. Drugs were the first thing that came to mind. The things she was telling me sounded so surreal. I mean seriously, this is the stuff you hear about in movies. She was on the run, running from these people, running for her life.

I called the police, so did my mother and so did my sister. The police told us she was just being paranoid and that her and her boyfriend were doing drugs. This sounded so believable! But I played along with my sister and listened to her as she tried to flee. She has cried wolf so many times that no one takes her seriously. We have been angry with her for so long that I think I am numb.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me at work and asked me where my children were. She had me panicked. "Are they at school?" "Are you sure they made it there?" "I think the girls are in danger". I went flying out of work calling the school and to make sure the girls were there. This was a terrifying thought.

My sister still doesn't realize how devastating this was. A few days after this incident, she called and asked me for money. I refused to give her money. I still refuse to give her money. And that was the last I heard from her for 5 weeks.

I searched for her everyday, alone, and didn't tell anyone I was looking. I spoke to no one about my feelings or my thoughts. After all, everyone thought I was nuts for actually caring what happened to her. So I waited, kept my thoughts to myself, but I waited. I waited for the phone to ring telling me they had found my sisters body, or telling me she was arrested. Anything, SOMETHING! I've been told I was grieving. But how do you grieve for someone who is still alive?

My heart broke everyday. I think to myself often that it would be better if I did get the call saying she was gone. At least that way the pain would stop and I could move on. Selfish of me? Maybe. But my mom, her son, at least there would be closure. Instead we wait. We grieve everyday wondering what is happening. I heard it from everyone. No one ever asked how I was handling things, just if I had heard from her.

So I turned it off. All emotion, feelings, relationships. I turned it all of, for months. About 2 months later I finally got a call. Not from the police or the morgue, but from my sister. My baby sister. She was in tears. Stranded in Texas. Her boyfriend had been arrested and was being extradited back to northern Colorado. She had no money, and knew no one. She had been sleeping in her car and trying to figure out how to get back to Colorado.

Now, you have to understand something. Maybe I am the type of person that feels the need to take care of everyone. Or maybe, I started taking care of people at such a young age that I don't know how to stop. Fact of the matter is, I was the one that took care of my siblings when we were younger. I was the one they turned to when they needed help, felt lost, or just wanted to feel loved.

I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. Some of us have different fathers, some different mothers, and some not blood related at all. But this particular sister, I grew up with. We lived in the same house for 14 years. She was born when I was 7, and I protected her from an abusive mother. So I found myself unable to leave her stranded.

She asked for money so she could get back which I refused to give her. So instead I loaded a gift card she had with just enough money for gas and food to get to my house. It was a risk, but she's my baby sister and it's a risk I had to take. She kept telling me she had been clean for 2 years, and that everything that was happening was the result of an abusive husband. All the while others were telling me it's typical drug addict behavior and she was lying and manipulating as she has done for the last 5 years.

Despite the warnings, I have taken my sister in. I have chosen to love her, and to believe in her. I remember when I was devastatingly depressed at 15 and had no one to turn to. I wished there was someone there that would just take me away. No more abuse & no more pain. Luckily, whether by chance or fate, a young man I now call brother saved my life.

My sister however is not 15, she's 35. And disliked by virtually everyone in our family.  But yes, I have taken her in. She has been living with me for the last 2 months. She has had to come to work with me, to the gym with me, everywhere I go she goes. I don't fully trust her yet, but we are working on that. As far as I can tell she has been clean. We have been working on rebuilding. She has been working on rebuilding. I lecture darn near everyday. I am sure she is sick of hearing it from me. But as I have told her, there are consequences for the choices she has made. I've told her I will not make this easy for her. And I've told her she is going to have to work hard to earn back the trust she has lost. e talk a lot, we spend time together, truth is.....I have really missed her. She was my best friend once, and losing her was devastating. I felt so empty, so lost, when she was gone. And I am glad she is back. Hopefully this time she will make the right choices and fight to get her life in order. I will guide her for now. Sometimes I treat her like she is a child of mine rather than my sister. But last night, she smiled and my heart felt whole again for the first time in a really long time.

We have been working out together, motivating each other to get back on track. With more than just weight loss. While most of it is water weight, I have lost 6 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I had gotten up to 232.8. I am slowly working my way back down and my sister is working her way back to me.

So as I send this blog post out to the great cosmic void, I want to say thank you if you stopped by and read all the way to the end. Thank you for all of the support you have given me. Thank you for your understanding.

I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I really want to get back on track, I want to feel successful again. So back to the basics for me. I know how to do this. I've done it before.

I have a few more things to share. Band related issues I have had, things I have figured out with Eliza along the way. If you are wondering who Eliza is see this post (Please meet Eliza!) But I am saving those for another day. Time to start blogging again!

Have a great Saturday! Thanks again for stopping by!


  1. Glad to hear from you again. I have missed you...hope everything smooths out for you!

  2. Wow! You are a good sister!

  3. I so relate and am feeling so many emotons reading this . I would like to wrap you in a blanket and make sure all this turns out right! i too am of the opinion that people always deserve another chance - and at the same time I really hope it includes her going into some support program and you going to Alanon or having some independent professional support outside to keep you safe. I am proud of you for doing what you have done. My view is that there is one short life we have and by god it goes fast. You are amazing after what you have been throught - to still be able to offer that hand to your sister. I love the picture of the two of you talking and working out and her smile... Oh may the future be blessed for both of you and all of your family .i think your world is not small - it is HUGE- as is your impact in that world. Don't change for any exterior thing or situation - stay being you- the wonderful amazing you that the world and your family are SO lucky to have. i will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Well done and heres to this next part of the journey for the two of you and the rest of your family being more real and peaceful. You are a shining example for your sister and for us - she is very VERY lucky to have you as are all the other siblings you have supported over the years. Sending big hugs your way. Blessings on all your future pathsxo

  4. WOW girl I am sorry you are dealing with this. BUT as a sister Id be right there doing the same.. sisters have a deep bond. Congrats for the WL the last couple weeks.. stick with it :)

  5. Life works like that kind of rollercoaster and we do what we need to do to cope. I think your sister is very lucky...and you are a pretty darn amazing person.

  6. You have a big heart, and you want to save your sister. She is very lucky to have you in her corner, and I hope she is able to do what is necessary to save herself with your help! It sounds like having her there is also helping you take care of yourself, and remember that that is important too. Hugs, and hope to hear from you again soon to know that things are still going well.